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Growth
2002-11-17 @ 6:55 a.m.
Found the diary again. Yet another year has gone by. . .
So I read many of the old entries. And I cried. I haven't really grown over the past year. Here I thought that I had made all these changes to make my life better, but my thoughts are still so similar to those last year. Anyway, here's the lowdown right now:
*He's gone. Not out of my life, but out of the area. Got a job in the "big city" making a much better salary and a better chance for his career future. We still talk almost every day. He's still single. (as am I) We're closer than ever and I avoid thinking about it. Most days I still feel that he's the one and that someday we will be together. Other days I accept the lonliness.
*The bitch of an ex-friend is out of my life. I've seen her maybe twice in the last month. She graduated and is a secretary for the local real-estate agent. Great use for a B.S. in Business Information systems. I laughed when I found out she couldn't get a real job. I still chuckle when I think about it.
*Changed my major. I dropped the whole engineering thing. I put in my 4 years - now doing the social science route. Still probably wind up working for Scouts.
*Depression is here in full strength. It's actually getting worse by the day. Major signs started showing up this past March/April. But I ignored it. Got WAY worse over the summer, then my support group (ie all my friends) left the area and I dropped farther. Currently I'm struggling with the decision to go back on the medication. I have been having trouble eating, sleeping, and showing up to commitments (including classes).
Other than that, I am in the same place as I was a year ago. I'm still lonely. I still avoid social interaction that forces me to open up to new people. I still let the water give me peace. I still cry myself to sleep. I still dream. I still wear my mittens.
