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Getting Worse
09 December 2002 @ 8:33 p.m.
I haven't been this bad in years, if ever. These past 6 months have been increasingly difficult to live through and it only seems to be getting worse.
I'm starting to question enrolling in university next term. My reasoning is as follows: I am completely incapable of holding my own life together. Even though I feel that I am working very hard on my studies, I cannot pull a decent GPA. I am beginning to slack on my other committments as well that are school related, but not necessarily class work. I don't know how to pull out of this one. BUT, I have no idea what else I would do. I honestly have no where to go if I left school. But then I look back on these past 5 years and wonder what sort of book education I have honestly gained. I have obviously had an education in life through the social interactions I have everyday. Will I survive another term of school if it is like this past one?
Finals are approaching. I honestly don't care. There is no way for me to raise the two grades that I am ashamed of. In fact, I'm looking forward to having some "free" time where I can just do what I need to do.
The loneliness is consuming me more than anything. I find it disturbing that it is near impossible for me to find someone to go with me to a bar to hear a band. Or that I sit at home every night of the week when I'm not working. My phone bills have tripled since everyone lives so far away. And I miss them.
The tears came several times today. I'm scared. And I wish there was someone here who could help me through whatever it is that I am going through. Someone who would go out for cheap drinks and local music and just laugh with me. Someone who would take the fear out of my heart. Because right now, I'm scared.
