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New Bass
14 December 2002 @ 5:35 p.m.
Last night was an eyeopener for me. Went out to a small bar for a friend's going-away party (he's leaving the country for a while). Bass-player's band was playing, Captain&Coke was on drink special, everyone in town was there - the place was packed. On the surface it was a fantastic night out. The music was excellent as always, Bass-player lookin' especially wonderful, many of my "friends" crowded around a tiny table laughing and drinking. Two of my girlfriends call Bass-player over to talk while I was in the other room... don't know what their intention was, but he was talking to them when I got back, but would he say a word to me? Oh no. Course not. I said hi, he gave his little nod thing that I always get. He still stared at me all night though...
Anyway, my friend who's leaving the country and I closed the bar just talking and eating cake. (The band handed out cake for the like 10 people who were still in the bar at 2:30am - it was pretty good stuff too) Conversation was good... though I must admit I was trying to keep an eye on Bass-player to see if he was still staring (he was).
So as I walked home by myself at 3:00, I started thinking - why haven't I talked to this guy on my own. I'm normally a bold enough person to do something like that. And then I realized it - there's no way that I could handle someone seeing me like I am these days. It isn't fair to them to try to get to know me when I'm as low as I can go. At first I was just blaming it on Him, but that isn't right. My feelings for him are confused and pointless. It's just that I don't have the right to hurt someone else just because I'm hurting more than ever.
I have blown 4 or 5 chances with bass-player. At least now I know why.
I've also been thinking about changing the lay-out of my little diary here. I still dig my purple circles, but it's a bit plain. If you read this and have any ideas, feel free to contact me.
