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Nothingness
19 December 2002 @ 1:15 a.m.
It is impossible for things to stay as positive and wonderful as they have been for long. Today proved that. My feelings right now prove it.
I want to consume my ears with depressed lost love songs. I want to fill my eyes with tears. I want to feel everything and nothing - anything but this. This ultimate loneliness which controls my every thought and deed.
Rain fell today from both the sky and my eyes. Seems to happen often. I yearn for the past and despise it at the same time. I fear the future. Nothingness would be better.
My thoughts have been focused on my lack of boldness towards Bass Player and others. My actions have been uncharacteristic of me. Tonight I solved the problem wholly. I admitted earlier that I did not want to bring a new person into my life willingly - that it would be unfair to them. But then I remembered the past - how I had hurt someone I now hold dear because I had let them get a peek and want in, only to have me slam the door in their face. Because I was still in love with him. And he consumed my thoughts.
How have things changed? I can't bring myself to hurt another that way. But my choice to not hurt another plunges my soul to a deeper level of loneliness as I am incapable of allowing others in.
I have nothing positive to say. Nothing positive to feel. I honestly want nothingness. Tonight my mind is racing with memories of moments with him. Moments that I cherish. Moments that I despise. Moments that showed me why we are ever connected. And the moments I chose to be cold when he began to show warmth.
The memories bring the rain from my soul pouring out from my reddened puffy face.
Soon I will be in his physical presence. Again. I look forward to it. Several days just the two of us. Friends. Inseprable friends. Friends with a deep, rich past. Friends who love each other so much it is painful.
If I am with him, does the sorrow and loneliness disappear? Not necessarily. Which is why I must seek the nothingness. For only it will bring me peace. It will allow me to get to know the Bass Player and not hurt him. The nothingness will take the tears away.
Now to only find it.
