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Scaredy Back
25 January 2003 @ 7:38 p.m.
I got sent home from work today. Me, the workaholic, was sent home within an hour of showing up. Why? Because my boss is more paranoid of my back than I am.
I fell while shoveling the walk this evening. I fell hard smack on my butt. Still got up and somehow made it to work. Panicked when I couldn't tell if my feet were just cold or numb. Realized that I was limping.
I'm scared. Really scared.
Three years after surgery, I can now actually feel the missing parts to my spine. The right side of my lower back and butt throb. No real pain, just throbbing. But the ability to actually feel myself breathing and feel it through my entire body as I try to push open a door.
Scares me. While I wish for attention and thought of hurting myself again to gain it, I never really planned to go through with it. And now it is possible that I did hurt myself - unintentionally - and I'm literally freaking out.
Bossman wanted to drive me to the big hospital two hours from here where they have a neurosurgeon on call. I told him no, that I'd go home and make an appointment with my doctor on my own. Maybe I should've taken him up on it - but I cannot let him see my fear. That's just not what would be proper. He let me come home, thank goodness.
So here I am, starting to deal with the possibilities and thinking through the steps I must take within the next few days or so. And all I want is someone who was there with me through it all 3-4 years ago to be here again. Bubbles, J, numnum, Mouse, hell even the bitch of an ex-friend. Any of them who held my hand and took me to my treatments - just so that I will feel safe again. But they are all gone. Closest one is about 400 miles from here. So now the question is, who do I trust to take care of me now?
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: 90s Indie Station of Netscape Radio
