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Mundane Reality
30 January 2003 @ 11:08 p.m.
If my life is so innocuous, then why do I feel stressed, depressed, and overdone? I am mundane in every sense of the word. Ordinary. Expected.
And I hate it. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss looking forward to going over to someone's place after work or classes. I miss having to scramble to get things done so I can go out and play.
Now I try to get the few friends I have to go out, and I get nothing. I volunteer to work extra shifts to occupy my time. I study like crazy. I bore myself.
My dreams are becoming more and more elaborate. More and more they are focused on relationships and my needs and happiness. Yet outside, I worry about the group and those around me.
I'm stuck in a moral dilemma right now. Today I found out one of my friends is in trouble, though I have no idea how. Just that she is going through something and withdrawing. And I'm not close enough to take care of it, nor even find out what exactly it is. Yet her actions will affect a few other friends in the near future - I think. I wish I knew what was going on so that I could focus on making her situation better.
If not my own, then the others. That's why they call me mom.
Two weeks to Valentine's Day. Two weeks until I see J. I wish it was tomorrow.
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Romantic Jazz Station of Netscape Radio
