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Drunken Wishes and Me
01 February 2003 @ 1:57 a.m.
I should know by now that drinking and depression don't mix well for me. I should know by now that going out for the sheer purpose to expand my horizons doesn't really work. I should know better.
House party tonight. Live music and beer. Good times. Bands were, well, less than decent - but still better than nothing. Beer tasted great. I miss the taste of decent stuff. But I went into it feeling really down. Feeling hit while I was making dinner and watching tv earlier this evening, but I thought it would fade by the time we went out. Oh well.
T wasn't in a great mood. But he wouldn't talk to me much until right before I left. Which was fine, Chewba and the roomie came with. But T didn't want his girl there and she showed. He was upset with how the party was going, etc etc. We started talking and the idea that he and I should find an apartment together came up. The two of us and a dog. Living together - he'd be my support, I'd be his motivator.
Something about the idea sounds fantastic. But then I keep thinking about how he sometimes wishes that we were together instead of him and his girl. And I don't think I want that. I love him as a friend, but nothing more. Sure, hell, we've messed around a bit, but nothing serious and nothing too far to still be friends. What, honestly, would be bad about living together? We could truly straighten each other out. He's the rebel who needs guidance, I'm the mom who needs someone to lean on and loosen me up.
But then, what about the house? I love this house. Is it worth it not to do this again? Would living with him cure my loneliness?
Those are my drunken questions of the night. I'm exhausted as I've been up for 21 hours now. So I'll sleep on it.
A big part of me wishes that T was here with me though. We're good at holding each other in rough times.
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: random jazz cd i think
