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Past Thoughts
01 February 2003 @ 2:54 p.m.
Today my past consumes me. I have been remembering (or reconstructing my past as some sociologists say) back to when I was like 12-15. Thinking about what I went through mentally then, my hiding, my little scars, etc.
It's gotten me thinking about the progression of my thoughts, my "disease". I took a good look at the little scars, remembering what it was like to find out what I had been doing, and that others did it too. Hiding in my closet after 10:00 at night panicking for what then must have been for a good reason.
How I taught myself as young as 4th grade to hide how I was feeling and the thoughts inside my head. How I learned to block out everything, thus wiping out my memory of my childhood. How I learned to play others against each other and use them for what I needed, yet would still get walked all over.
I look back to the time I trusted girls. To what basically ruined me for truly opening up to people. How those two girls haunted me for years.
I look back, back right before I met the first boy, the first J, and how singular I felt. How alone. He came into my life and was my saviour if only for a minute. Until he got rid of me the same as the others.
I'm remembering how I withdrew for so many years, hid for so many years and how I still hide. How many people that consider themselves close to me today realize this part of me?
I also see the happy time. When everything seemed fantastic for those three fleeting moments - instead of hiding my mental status I hid my physical. Mentally I was perfect then. Perfect.
Then I see today. The day where I'm having trouble motivating myself to eat, let alone anything else. We're having people over tonight after I get home from work. I want to call it off. How do I explain to others that I can't handle having a party here tonight without filling them in on everything?
I'm still thinking about this whole moving out on my own as well. Thinking about what it would do to my mental status, if anything. I fear I would be even more lonely, though I don't know how as the people I yearn for aren't nearby anyway.
At least now that I'm older, I have people to yearn for. Back then, I had no one. And no one had me.
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currenlty listening: Our Lady Peace - Happiness is not a Fish
