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Too Tired to Be
04 February 2003 @ 10:34 p.m.
I've wasted an entire day watching movies. Not just any movies, mind you, but sappy romantic movies. The kind that make my stomach churn and cause my heart to break over and over. The kind that brings floods of tears over sheer hatred.
The thoughts of leaving have reappeared. I doubt they ever left, honestly. I've been running through my list of so-called friends trying to find a place to disappear to for a week or so. I came up with nothing. Honestly nothing. Every place I thought of had some sort of big downfall where I wouldn't get what I needed to get better.
I have no where to run when things get bad. No one to run to to cry on their shoulder and know that nothing will shock them or phase them or nothing will bo past them.
I am tired. I am tired of dealing with everything that comes at both myself and at everyone I know. I am tired of seeming to be responsible for my fifty closest acquaintences. I am tired of falling asleep with tear stains on my pillow. I am tired of sleeping only to lose myself in my dreams. I am tired of myself.
I find myself unable to study for my social psychology course because of its basic assumption on personal ego, and how many people assume they are better than they really are.
Someday, I will have that viewpoint. But now, I can't even read a goddamn text book without throwing it and screaming.
I want to jump in my car and drive far far away and check into a motel for the night. But am unable to due to my weakness and buried vehicle.
I have no choice but to stay here anyway. As if I had a place to go.
I was blessed with this "bonus" twenty-four hours due to the snowstorm. I used it inefficiently, wrongly, and basically wasted it. I honestly feel worse now than before. Before when I thought that I was unable to do anything.
Now I know.
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: 4 Non Blondes - Bigger, Better, Faster More
