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Perfecting the Mental Band-Aid
08 February 2003 @ 1:17 a.m.
Even the seemingly decent days end poorly. End lowly. The questions about myself and my life roll around in my head, swimming in my salty tears.
I keep falling lower, farther away from "normal". So many little things are pointing me away from here. I've been asking myself questions about whether or not I really should continue to live here - in the house, in this town, in this state. I'm given signs everyday and all of them point me away from here.
The thoughts of moving aren't new, either. I look back over my writings for the past year or so and the signs are there too. The real question is, can I still stay in the area to finish my degree here and just find my own little apartment, or should I really move and quit school for now and start over fresh somewhere else?
I tried to run again tonight. Made it about 40 miles out of town before it hit me I had no where to run to. Then it started to snow pretty hard, so I turned around. My face actually hurts from the tears and anger. But I ran instead of hitting someone. Came so close to getting violent again. Can't do that. Can't believe that I let someone see that part of me again. Hopefully she'll forget it, though I doubt it.
I need guidance. I wish that someone would appear and smack me across the face and say, "Red, you need to do this!" and I would say "Oh, alright."
This question has been rolling through my mind all day, "What would honestly make you happy?" The first thing that I always answer with is J. Here, now forever. But I know, deep down, that that isn't the answer. So what is? Will everything be better if I move? Change of location? Change of Chi?
There's so much involved. . . can I afford my own place? If I lived alone would I ever go out? Will my lonliness status change?
For now, I shall hide here. In my little sanctuary of a bedroom in the house I am beginning to dread. I'll figure something out on my own. I always do. I'm fantastic at mental band-aids.
If only I could have 3M perfect the adhesive for mental bandages - then I wouldn't have to go through this anymore.
currently reading: Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
currenlty listening: Stereolab - Transient Random-Noise Bursts
