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Anxiety
27 February 2003 @ 12:41 a.m.
My brain is mush. Between the anxiety over my back, the pain, the messy house with all the lights on, two exams looming, and the yearnings for companionship I think I am done. Oh, and of course the wonderfulness of having my "vacation" plans turning to shit and having to literally eat $200.
But here I am. It's almost 1:00am. I have a doctor's appointment at 8:00am and the first of two exams at 9:30am.
And my car is stuck in the lot again. So I have to call the bus or something to get a ride to the doctor's office at the crack of dawn.
I want someone here to take care of me. The father was great and all, but it's not what I needed. I need someone who can sleep in the same room with me and wipe away the tears. Someone who is willing to drive to the doctor's and hold my hand.
Someone who will kick me in the ass a few times to motivate me to get things done. And stop me from ordering whatever I'm craving at the moment.
How healthy is it to order cheesy breadsticks from Pizza Hut at 9:30pm? Stupid depression cravings!
I honestly don't know how I am going to take the first exam tomorrow. The second I should be ok for, but taking something that could be fairly difficult that soon after whatever happens at the doctor.
*sigh*
I can't do this alone. Yet I am. I have no idea how I'm holding up, but I am.
Canada called today. We used up her entire phone card trying to catch up. We both wish that she could be here right now. She'd take care of me. But alas, she, like all the rest of my support group, is insanely poor and incredibly far away.
To add to it, everyone who is around is leaving tomorrow for Spring Break or down to North Carolina for the conference. So I'll be here alone.
Alone, scared, and panicky.
currently reading: Soul of the Fire - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez, et al mix CD
