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Attention Please
08 March 2003 @ 1:59 a.m.
Just got home from the bar. I am psuedo-drunk and utterly disappointed.
Ari and myself met up with two other kids at one of the local bars around 8:30. Had a bit of food, a few beers. The other two were exhausted (one of our friends works night shifts) so left. Ari and I left the table we were at and had a seat at the bar.
A seat next to the cute guy from earlier - turns out he's a designer, not a lineman. But whatever. He was at the bar that we were at. As if I didn't know.
Anyway, he buys us a round - impressed that I drink beer. Of course I drink beer! Who doesn't love a nice Canadian Ale? Get to talking - he's already had a few - he pretty much admits to trying to ask me out tonight. But doens't want to come off as a "suck up".
I am his instructor after all.
Ari just giggles as I feed him what he wants to know. She and I exchange glances and quick words as he looks away. The guy appears to be sweet - late 20s, blonde, tall, glasses, etc. The three of us talk for a bit, but there is another girl he knows sitting on the other side of him now.
And of course, they hook up.
He and I continue to talk all night, but it is apparent that she is the focus of his attention. Typical night for the little Red girl.
Ari and I catch up on the past week or so. The ups, the downs, the gossip. He orders me another drink, then another. I didn't pay for anything past what I had with the others at the table.
Getting right down to it, I didn't get the male attention I obviously need. And so I drank more. Thus feeding the depression. I can't drink when I'm down. Becuase I get into this funk where I don't emerge for days.
The funk is here. Tears have fallen once tonight. Not over some stupid guy I met yesterday, but over a whole slew of things. The lonliness. The overwhelming urge to call J as I passed the payphone outside the restroom. The coming home to an empty house where I must keep the water running constantly in fear of freezing pipes.
My feelings are jumbled again. Part of me just wanted attention as soon as I saw him at the bar sitting alone. Good attention that led to drinks and stimulating conversation. Maybe the exchange of phone numbers. Maybe.
But no. I'm here. I'm alone. And I'm drunk.
currently reading: Soul of the Fire - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Nina Gordon - 2003
