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Fits of Depression
11 March 2003 @ 11:34 p.m.
Exhausted, bloated, frustrated, stressed, pissy and lonely.
How do you feel tonight?
Yesterday afternoon I flew through one of my "I can't do this anymore" fits. Lasted about 20 minutes (I think) before I fell asleep. Like a small child, I cried myself to sleep at 3:00 in the afternoon only to wake up three hours later with a sticky face and tired eyes.
Meeting lasted five hours last night. Five. Normally lasts no more than two. But no, five. And this was after I threw the "I can't do this anymore" fit. Got home late - threw another one. Though much more silently since the kids were home. This one wouldn't let me cry myself to sleep though - I was up until after 3:00am.
Woke up crabby this morning. As if this surprised me. Hell, I'm still crabby.
So much for the "laid back, put together, intellegent" woman. I just hope that no one noticed the change from a well done up face and hair for my first class to the massive wreck I turned into during my lunch break. Why? Another "I can't do this anymore" fit.
I think back over the past three months or so and see these fits coming more and more often. I see myself struggling with what the hell I'm supposed to do without a support system around. I see magazine ads for different anti-depressants and almost puke right then and there.
I have honestly survived the past 4.5 years off the medication. Just because you are diagnosed at 14 as a "medium" clinically depressed person and medicated for four years doesn't mean you can't survive without the drugs or the therapy. Right? But how about surviving without that support group? That place to run to when you need to scream?
My tummy is all upset. It's been years since I worked myself into both a migraine and a stomach ache at the same time.
Can I take a mental health day tomorrow? Or will that just be pointless as everything will still be there afterwards?
currently reading: -
currently listening: india.arie - Acoustic Soul
