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Mental Soup
21 March 2003 @ 10:35 p.m.
Stress levels are off the charts tonight. So far off the charts that I'm still trying to fathom where on earth my mental status is.
The frustration with The Little is expanding to the rest of her pledge class - and it isn't just me frustrated. So others are talking to me about everything going on in their little void of communication. I sit here and am blaming myself for everything. The Little should feel comfortable with talking to me. But I haven't put in the 300% effort that she probably needed. I haven't been there every single minute. I feel as though I should have been.
Work is also being a pain in my ass this week. The number of customers is dropping steadily and with the impending slashes to the university's budget, I fear for the area I built from scratch. I am underappreciated there and am thinking about leaving. Just once I want to hear what a good job I do. How hard I work. The fact that I take home the covers to the machines to wash on my own so that everything is constantly presentable. I'm a student worker for fuck's sake.
My courses are pissing me off. I am in the major now where I should be. I should be content. But I bore quickly with the material. It isn't difficult, but I don't care so my grades are slip sliding away. My hopes of pulling over a 3.5 for the term are now crushed.
The thing that pushed me over the edge tonight, though, was the pure lonliness. I do my damndest to fill my days and nights to the brim so I don't notice that I never recieve a phone call and sleep alone. But CJ stopped by and mentioned that he had a date tonight with his woman. They went out for dinner in their busy schedules - truly a big deal. And I burst into tears as soon as he left the room.
These tears weren't the normal kind where I rock myself to sleep as I sob on the floor. This was more of an explosion. And it was a big one, quite literally - I blew a blood vessel in my nose and bled all over the place.
So here I sit now - binging on crappy food to make myself feel better, face sticky with tears and blood, glasses spotted, completely drained. T is trying to figure out what he can do to help, but I never let him in to this part of me. There are VERY few who have seen this side of me and I don't think I can let him in. I know he's frustrated with me about it too. He wants me to walk over to his place and stay there for the night so I don't do something stupid.
Though I am sitting here contemplating driving down to J's place for the weekend. I'm sure I could make it. But then I'd be letting The Little down again by just running off without telling her.
So instead of doing anything, I will sit here in my bedroom and watch my blood pressure rise again. Hell, maybe I'll blow out another blood vessel from the sheer force building up inside of me.
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: the radio
