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Circles
22 March 2003 @ 6:27 p.m.
From the hardcover journal, 5 February 2002:
. . .One thing that I had been looking forward to for the last two years was to have a Little Brother in the Fraternity. This Valentine's Day is the third anniversary of my initiations and I have yet to have a Little. Well, none of the pledges last fall or spring chose me... and none chose me this past weekend. . . . The way I see it, the greatest honor in a Fraternity is when you guide someone into the Brotherhood. So what if I was voted Member of the Year last year. So what if I was elected to National Office. So was if I am the Chapter Secretary and Parliamentarian. I am not a Big Brother.
One year later I became a Big Brother to The Little. When she chose me, my gut screamed that something was off. She wasn't my first choice of the six, but that didn't matter. The outside of me jumped for joy as I would finally have someone to guide. Someone to give what was given to me. I ignored the gut feeling and went with the rest of me.
Yet here I am now, frustrated, stressed out (which is odd since I didn't believe in stress until this past week), and upset because The Little won't talk to me. Hell, she's not talking to anyone.
The most communication we have had was earlier today over instant messenger. First off, important conversations should ALWAYS be in person if you are within driving distance. Secondly, I had to get out the foreceps to pull out any sort of detail from her little head. I get this "we had fun" or "I needed a break". No why, no where, nothing. I am supposed to be the one person she turns to with anything related to the Fraternity.
This isn't the way its supposed to be. This isn't how the circle is completed. Nothing feels right about it at all. In fact, my gut is screaming to ask her to stop pledging until she learns to communicate her thoughts and feelings enough so that people know how to act around her.
I HATE the fact that my gut is telling me this. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.
I sincerely want to give her the same wonderfulness that I had when I pledged. I want the circle to be complete.
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: the radio
