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Choices and Consequences
25 March 2003 @ 1:13 a.m.
Meetings that last over six hours are horrible. Horrible beyond belief. My head aches more than ever before, my frustrations unrelieved, my tummy growling, my hands shaking. Over six hours dealing with The Little and her cohorts. Over six hours of Ari and I passing notes back and forth trying to determine our own personal fates as well as the kids'.
My heart is heavy right now. I don't know if I made the correct decision, because I did it for the outer part of me and not my gut, not my heart. Just to say that I am a Big Brother. Is that so terrible?
I am exhausted - mentally and phsyically. I offer no emotion to the world other than exhaustion.
Tonight I do not want to sleep alone. Yet I glance over at my unkempt little bed and know I will be the only occupant for yet another night of fitful sleep.
My body yearns to cry and rock, but the twitching of earlier tonight exhuasted it. I ache to be held by someone who understands what I'm going through. Someone to consume me with their arms and urges me to lay my head and fears on their shoulder. I don't even care who it is - just someone who is here and will just take care of me. I want to wake up to their breathy sleep and arm gently resting on my shoulder.
I want to feel comfort right now. Not the inner comfort either. I need all my worries, fears, frustrations, anger, stress to be absorbed by a thick blanket of friendship. Have someone else carry the burden for a change.
Part of me wonders if I'd feel differently if I had chose differently tonight. I doubt it.
I pray that I will be able to sleep tonight. I pray that my dreams will show me the promise of what is to come. I pray my fantasies will take me away for yet another night.
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Sleepy MP3 Mix #3
