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Important Apathy
30 March 2003 @ 7:46 a.m.
Nothingness. I am completely devoid of emotion right now, though I guess nothing is a feeling as well. There is no reason to why I feel nothingness. In fact, I should feel something - proud, tired, impressed, love, trust. After what I just went through I should be full of emotion. Instead, I have nothing.
This should be a shining moment for me, yet I am dull. I see no sparkle in my eye as I gaze at the reflection in my mirror. All I see is someone who needs to wash her face and procede with the day. Yet today is not a normal day - today has every right to be extraordinary. The sunrise was wonderful a few hours back. The fresh snow glistens in the morning rays. The streets are silent. My dark curtains are pulled as I sit here listening to James Taylor alone.
Part of me wonders if I would feel different had J been there these past few days. Or numnum. Or Bubbles. Would their presence invoke a sense of pride in me? J once told me how proud he was of me. Do I have it in my heart to honestly feel that for someone else?
As I sit here and ponder the events of the past week, I wonder if I honestly have a reason for my apathy. Maybe I don't have the energy to care anymore. Maybe I'm growing out of this stage in my life. Maybe I'm hungry for a change and I haven't found it yet. Maybe the lonliness has deadened my senses to everything else. Maybe I've honestly and completely thrown my life into cruise control.
I should feel something. Anything. Part of me hopes that the emotions will kick in this afternoon. The other part just says cruise on through - feel the nothingness, just get through.
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Sleepy MP3 Mix #2
