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Back to Normal?
31 March 2003 @ 4:06 p.m.
The weekend is over. I know that sounds redundant since it's Monday, which obviously states the weekend is over, but I need to restate that again. The weekend is over. I didn't break down, I didn't burst out, nothing. In fact, as the previous entry states, I felt little, if anything.
But it's over. That's all that matters.
Last night, after all the events, I came home and changed into comfy flannel pants and a t-shirt. Figured I'd settle into some quality alone time, maybe get some homework done. But I was tired, so I thought that a quick nap would be perfect. So I laid down around 5:00pm or so. Woke up with a start later, started freaking out because it was light out. I thought I had slept through Monday. Well, I started to. Woke up today at 9:15am. Sixteen hours of sleep.
What on earth was my body thinking when sixteen hours of sleep seemed like a good idea? I haven't done that in ages - I used to do it as an avoidance technique when I was uberdepressed.
Then again, I am.
I have been so down, so out of it, so blue for so long, that I believe I am falling back into the old habits. I woke up this morning in tears. Angry, heavy, awful tears. I came so close to just packing up the car and leaving. Skipping work, which I was already late for, and just driving far far away. Find some friend who I could shack up with for a few days until I calmed myself to come back.
But of course, I didn't leave. I stayed here, went to work with a tearstained face and began my day.
Today has been busier than busy. I feel like I just don't have time for me anymore. I have started to lose my sense of humor, my wit, and my ability to take a joke. All I do is go from pouring my heart into one task and then moving on to the next. Only I have a feeling the task of being a Big Brother ate the majority of my heart.
On another note, though, as Ari and I were driving around on Saturday, we heard a radio interview with Bass Player. The local station here interviewed him for various reasons. The visual crush has been reaffirmed. He played live on the radio, joked around, showed his intellegence and sense of humor in full. As well as a full hour of his baritone voice. Ari has determined that I made a good choice in the visual crush but that it's time that I should actually take an active role in it.
I'm not positive how to go about that considering I have no heart to put out there. How is it possible to try to date again in a state of apathy?
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: -
