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Birthday - Part 2
10 April 2003 @ 8:30 a.m.
Yesterday afternoon and night were, well, interesting. I'm attempting to wake up right now - I let myself sleep in a bit to try to recover. It is incredibly difficult to sit here, focus on the screen, force the fingers to move, and attempt to stop yawning.
The festivities kicked off yesterday with a Murder Mystery shindig over at Ari and Chewba's place. It had been in the planning for months - just a simple, fun, time for a Wednesday evening. I liked it. The kids running the show threw in some nice twists to the story. Though after reading huge amounts of thrillers and mystery books in High School, the answer was obvious to me. Plus, the one accused person is a horrible actor. But I dug it. Found out that as of Tuesday, I am now the only single female in the Fraternity. That's right, only single female. Goddamn that makes me not feel good.
I left that shindig a bit early for a weekly meeting I have, but I had to be back home at 10:00pm. I was told by several of my guy-friends, including T, that I had to be ready and waiting for them to come pick me up last night at 10:00. Fine. Walked up into my place at like 9:58 pm from the meeting - noticed this fantastic flowery smell in my room as soon as I opened the door. It was such a pleasant, peaceful smell. Turn to look at the computer screen (as it caught my eye) and a screen saver was on. Now, I don't have a screen saver - I'm the type who turns off the moniter all together when I leave for more than an hour. It's a scrolling message in red and black. Sitting in front of the moniter is a decent sized potted, bright red, flowering plant. (I still don't know exactly what it is - working on that). It's from Ari and The Little. How fantasitc!
Shortly therafter, the guys showed up. We walked down to the closest bar and started the night. Laid back, quiet, mixed-drink-ful evening. That is until we hit the second bar and T's ex-fiancee is there. And he decides that he needs to talk to her. The rest of us are sitting around, drinking and chatting it up about superficial topics, while T runs over to embarass himself in the middle of a rowdy bar to the ex.
We wind up leaving after a bar-fight breaks out. One of the disadvantages to living in a college town that is about 80% male is that the testosterone levels can fly off the charts. Espeically for those males in stereotypical fraternities.
During the walk back home, T started professing his true love for me. Now, whenever he and I go out drinking together he pulls this. He's convinced that I am everything he needs and everything he couldn't have all at the same time. I'm still not certain of what that means.
The best part of it all is that I got slammed in the head with a memory from last year's birthday - same bar, same walk home, etc - only J was the one I was walking with. T had been there that night too, but it was J and I who had walked home. I realized that this was my first birthday in five years that I hadn't spent with him - whether we were dating at the time or not.
Five years.
Walking past his old apartment almost shattered what little will power I had left last night. I hope that the guys didn't notice the sudden change in my attitude. I really, really started to miss him. Then the letters and conversations between him and I from this past week started to flow through my head. How I wanted to come through to see him after the conference because I missed him. He said no, I couldn't, he didn't have time for me. My heart sank yet again as my closest friends don't have time when I make a big effort. Then the letter - apologizing for not talking to me for the past two weeks or so, wishing me a happy birthday, sending his thoughts to me while I'm at the conference, etc.
So here I am, getting ready to leave for Chicago, day after my birthday, dealing with my best male friend's rejection as well as T's professed love (again). All I wanted was a fun, lighthearted birthday. I had it until about 1am last night. Since then, I have retreated back into the depths of my shattered heart. I should bring a couch and blanket down here - I have a feeling I'll be camping out for a while.
Happy Birthday, Red. Welcome to the next year.
currently reading: Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Nirvana - Nevermind
