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The End
17 April 2003 @ 12:57 p.m.
Over the past year or so, the world has slowly chipped away at my safety-net, my happiness, my support system. Little things here and there disappearing or being ruined, but deep down I always had the base support. Always.
Or at least I thought I did. I don't.
He broke the one promise that meant everything to me. He lost my trust in one statement. He was the last - the one true one who'd been there for everything. No more.
I woke up in a great mood today - good, nondescript dreams to wake up from. Was sitting here chatting over IM with a few kids as I got ready for the day. I decided to IM J at work just to say hi for the heck of it. He wasn't at work, he was at home - took the day off to get ready for his trip out to California. Fine, whatever. We talk for a bit, I ask him what he did last night. He said he was hanging out with a female (a name I didn't recognize from his co-workers). Then went on to say that they had been seeing each other for a few weeks now.
WEEKS.
Now, honestly, I'm happy that he has found someone. I know that he and I can't date now nor have I tried to start anything up with him over the past year. BUT the last time he tried to hide something big from me, I got upset. Why? Because I'm a big girl I can handle it when my friends date and also because supposed best friends don't keep things from each other and lie. That's right, I said lie. The first time was about a random blonde that wanted to hook up with him - he avoided me for a few days and I heard through the grapevine about it. When I approached him, he at first denied everything then caved. I told him that I would give him one more chance as long as he promised me one thing - that he would never lie or keep things from me ever again. He and I both wanted to keep our friendship. Fine. He promised. That's when our friendship really blossomed into the wonderful trusting relationship that allowed me to fall for him again (something he never truly knew for a variety of reasons).
I had mentioned that I wanted to stop by and see him after the conference in Chicago. Spend the night, catch up a bit. He told me that his brother was coming into town so I couldn't come down. It seemed odd at the time - his brother and I have hung out before - but I let it slide.
He was lying. His brother never came down. He didn't want me to find out about her.
WEEKS!
So that's it. The last person that I truly trusted with everything in my life - past, present, and future - betrayed me.
There's nothing left to chip away at. World, you have taken it all. All that is left is my phsyical body and I don't care about it anymore. I have no heart to share, no faith to rely in, no trust to give.
I'm done.
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