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Sad Eyes
18 April 2003 @ 10:46 p.m.
I haven't smiled in 36 hours. I haven't laughed, cracked a joke, been witty in over a day. In all honesty, I haven't spoken to anyone about anything unless they addressed me first. I feel as though I have nothing to say.
Or at least nothing to say to others.
The face in the mirror has big, heavy sad eyes. They are very olivey this evening instead of the normal bright sparkly green. The inner turmoil is apparent in their depth. Is that face in the mirror mine? I don't know.
I analyzed the funds this morning - trying to see if I could afford to just leave. I'm ready to leave. My plans for after graduation aren't really relevant anymore. J and I were to move to the Twin Cities together to start our lives. We always planned on living near each other for the rest of our lives. Forever. I can't see me living that life now. I was thinking Seattle for some reason. I've never been there but always wanted to go. I could find work and a small place to lay my head with a roof. Start another life there. Also considered ditching camp for the summer and moving into the Parentals other house - the one on Lake Huron. Living there in the co-op working part time at one of the shops downtown. Or maybe at the marina. It would be nice to be around boats again. Just anywhere but here.
As of this moment, I don't think I can do camp this summer. Every year I say this. Every year I feel as though it's the lowest I've been. It's always in mid- to late April and I always go to camp come mid-May. Yet I'm lower this year. I know that as it stands right now, I won't have people to call on my time off. I won't recieve letters from close friends with inside jokes. I won't get those little pushes throughout the summer that get me through.
Also considered taking down and throwing out any decoration/picture/item that J gave me or reminded me of him. Then I realized that my room would be bare. Tears fell as it hit me how much we depended on each other - how empty my soul is now, as empty as my walls would be if I took him out of it. I changed nothing - but I did clean today. A good, deep clean of the bedroom. It's spotless now. At least that I know for certain, as I can trust myself.
It's Good Friday. This weekend is Easter weekend. Tonight I worked a Christian concert/program at the theatre that was filled with upbeat gospel music. I am in immense inner pain. I remember the faith I once had - not necessarily the Christian faith, but faith in God nonetheless. I lost that faith and hearing others rejoice in theirs hurts. It also hurts because I know I won't get my dumptruck on Easter morning this year. I didn't get one last year either. No Easter presents will be exchanged.
I miss the dumptruck filled with toys and goodies.
I miss being appreciated. Period.
currently reading: The Pillars of Creation - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Best of Ani Mix
