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Summer Thoughts
21 April 2003 @ 11:22 p.m.
It's late. Too late for me to still be sitting here in the office. That's right, after 11:00pm and I'm on campus in my office. I'm tired and I have this odd feeling that I smell just dank.
Today has been a day. Work was incredibly slow so I was able to catch up on course readings. I couldn't let myself just sit there staring at the snow fall. That's right - snow. It's wet, heavy, nasty snow. April snow. When I just sit there staring out the windows I think. In fact, I have done quite a bit of thinking last night and this morning.
I need to find a way to not do camp this summer. I need to find something else to do for May and June then move into the new apartment up here towards the end of July. It won't be fair to the other staff nor myself this summer. I fall farther every day. I fall so much that I'm starting to doubt my lifeguarding skills. I can complete the tasks - but actually focus my attention on the kids swimming/canoeing/boating for hours at a time will be increasingly difficult as the summer progresses. I cannot, in good conscience, trust myself to be a competant Waterfront Director and Lifeguard.
Now this is a larger problem than it appears. First off, I have been waiting for this summer for eight years. This summer will complete the circle - me giving back what was given to me through Girl Scout camps. Secondly, I signed my contract for the summer. Sure I am an "At Will" employee and am able to leave at anytime, but I feel incredibly guilty just calling up and saying, "Sorry guys, but well, I don't feel like camp this year." Also, I have no where to live if I don't go to camp. The only option I came up with was moving back in with the parentals or the grandparentals for two or three months. I would still need to find a way to earn over $4000 for the summer in order to sustain myself.
Is it truly feasible to move in with the grandparentals for three months and find some coffee house to work at and still net over $4000? I don't know. But is it safe for me to be in a camp environment? I don't know. All I do know is that I doubt myself. And I can't get the thoughts out of my head that maybe I should take this summer off.
I think I need some serious alone time. Months of serious alone time.
currently reading: The Pillars of Creation - Terry Goodkind
currently listening: Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl
