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Lack of a Voice
30 April 2003 @ 12:04 a.m.
I have so much running through my head and no way to vocalize it. So much that I need to say, so much to admit to myself, so much to share, but no words. Let me take the easy way out and blame my lack of sleep for my total lack of words. Silly me decided that sleep wasn�t really necessary and stayed up all night working on coursework. Or at least that�s what I told myself I was doing.
In reality, I cried so hard I vomited. I cried myself into a dizzying dehydration. I spent the rest of the night finishing up all of my coursework for the semester while I calmed myself down. It was almost 9:00 a.m. when I felt calm enough to sleep. Such a shame that I must be on campus at 9:30 a.m. everyday.
Venting emotion through the eyes is supposedly incredibly healthy. Tears relieve stress, lower blood pressure, etc etc etc. Last night�s tears did the opposite. I doubt I have ever cried so hard, screamed so loudly (into a pillow of course), or caused my face to twist up in horrid ways. My tears were releasing my disappointment, my anger, my self-hatred, my stress, my love, my heart. I realized last night that I feel the way I do as a result of the choices I have made over the past few years. It was my decision to forgo vacations and work. It was my decision to allow the newest housemate to live here. It was my decision to keep J in my life. It was my decision to agree to camp and then quit. I did this.
I wish that people would understand that. Last night I received several e-mails from the kids � each asking if I was �mad� at them or what they did to cause me to withdraw. Several IMs came across the screen asking if I was mad at so and so. Others came across with bunches of selfish mumbo-jumbo. I try to explain that I don�t get mad. I can be disappointed, stressed, understanding, etc � but never mad. I need to make posters that say the following, since my voice is unable to carry the message adequately.
�Kids, Mom needs to be selfish for once in her goddamn life and not deal with your shit. It�s time for her to deal with her own shit since none of you have ever thought enough to seriously involve yourself in my life. Grow up, deal with it on your own for a few months, then I�ll be back. I don�t want to hear from you and you have no reason to expect to hear from me. Now just go away.�
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