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Plea for the Dreams
25 May 2003 @ 10:13 p.m.
Will someone please help me to get J out of my head? Please? He won't leave. I've asked him time and time again that he needs to crawl into his little (ok enormous) filing cabinet in my memories and leave me be, but he likes to be out front. Constantly.
Everything I see reminds me of something we have seen together. Everything I smell reminds me of a scent specific to him or his surroundings. Everything I hear makes me think of our life together in music. Everything I feel makes me think of how we felt together. Everything.
It's gotten to the point now where I want to call him up or show up at his door just to say "Stay out of my dreams. I don't want you there anymore Mr. J. Thank you".
I am now about an hour away from his place; far different than the ten hours we have been for the last year. One hour isn't so far. Even less if I go down to visit with the Grandparentals. Then it's just a ten minute drive. Ten minutes.
He was my best friend. And now his memory won't leave my head when I desperately need it to. I want to stand on my own two feet and figure out who the hell I am anymore. Do I still stand for the things I used to? Do I still care for the things that used to be my world? J was my world. . . do I still care for him?
I want to end the years of turmoil caused by my love for this man (and his love for me in return). I want to have the ability to start a new relationship, no matter how simplistic and shallow, with a male. Or I want the ability to honestly feel comfortable again being alone. A year ago, I was comfortable being single. Now I am not and it is the most frustrating feeling I have ever had.
So please, someone, tell him to just stay away from my dreams. I know that we haven't talked outloud or in person in over a month, but the dreams are what kill me.
Thank you.
currently reading: Damia's Children - Anne McCaffrey
currently listening: Alanis Morisette - Under Rug Swept
