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Life-size Mirror
27 May 2003 @ 2:04 p.m.
This morning as I was combing the tangles out of the mass of copper locks, I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I mean one of those long looks into a huge mirror so you can see most of yourself in bright light.
I didn't like what I saw. Ok, the hair is good. Actually fantastic - today has the makings of a great hair day. But the rest of me. Well, it isn't me. Somehow over the past year I have developed bad skin and gained a significant amount of weight. I see no real sparkle of life in my olive eyes. My skin seems even more translucent than normal - I'm almost too pale to be considered "porcelain".
What has happened to me? How did I let this happen? I have never been one to be vain, but I always was comfortable in my own skin. I always knew that when I saw my eyes in the mirror, it was me inside. Now, I don't know.
I spent several minutes basically watching my hair dry into its crazy ringlets (stupid humidity) just staring at myself in the mirror. This is what I have turned into. I don't like it. Not one bit.
My brain is becoming mush and my body is following suit. As of right now, I have no idea how I am going to bring myself back to me, but I know that I can do it. And I can do it soon. I need something stimulating to read to begin with. Then I need something to stimulate my physical body to bring the color back to my skin.
I need to feel comfortable again. I never wished to look like a supermodel - all I want is to look my best when I get up in the morning and honestly feel good about it at the same time. Will getting back down to the weight I was when I was 19 help? Will swimming get me back into the groove of life? What about pouring whatever is left inside me into a Jill job?
I'm having dinner tonight with a friend whom I haven't seen in over three years. He knew me when I was at my peak - 19, in love, fearless, intellegent, and beautiful. We've both changed a lot since then - maybe we'll be able to, at least for tonight, go back in time to the place we both miss.
currently reading: Damia's Children - Anne McCaffrey
currently listening: -
