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Choices and Consequences
29 May 2003 @ 11:58 p.m.
The job market isn't helping my mental state at all. I was contacted today by two of the three places I interviewed telling me there are no openings for me. Period.
I am beginning to question why I made such drastic changes so rapidly. I had a perfectly fantastic job at camp. It gave me a place to live and pocket money. Ok, a lot more than pocket money. I always swore that I would NEVER move back in with my family. This isn't my home.
So why on earth did I think this would be a good idea? This house always causes me to go through fits of depression and/or panic attacks. Had a fairly large one this morning. All about the decisions I have made recently.
I left my home. I left my work. I kicked the one person I've always cared the most about out of my life. I told those who I am semi-close to to leave me alone for a few months. I didn't leave a forarding address or phone number. People can only hope that I respond to e-mail.
I understand why I made the changes. But did I throw myself into something worse? Will my entire summer be a repeat of this past week? While I love caring for a household, I would like there to be something else. All I have done is care for my parents home. Not even mine.
Tomorrow I will be contacting people about the possibility of me becoming a nanny/tutor for elementary school age kids for the summer while their parents work. So much for getting away from the "camp" environment. Sure I'll be able to get away from it at night, but it is still children who are under my care for long periods of time. Nanny vs. counselor/administrator.
With all of the questioning I've been doing of my choices, the question of if I did the right thing with J keeps popping up. I have this awful feeling that I overreacted and threw a hissy fit for little to no reason. The questioning was brought on by the gossip of former highschool acquaintences and the ex-boyfriend, the first J. How I cut them out of my life on a whim and how I am paying for it now. I do not regret what I did to them, because I know the feelings and connection was never really there. But it was with J. Basically, I think I made a bad choice and now must deal with the consequences. He's an hour away physically - but farther than ever in reality.
currently reading: Damia's Children - Anne McCaffrey
currently listening: local urban/hip-hop radio station
