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Wondering
02 June 2003 @ 11:28 a.m.
I wonder how I would feel right now if I never had found my support system. If I had never found people who truly care about me and vice versa.
I can't seem to remember how it felt to have all of my walls up and tightly sealed. I can't remember how it was to know that I was truly alone. Was it better then? Was I able to function with every emotion tightly sealed?
I wonder if not having anyone would be more comforting than knowing you have, or had, someone but they are so far away it is impossible to hug them? Or you decided to cut that person out of your life for a stupid misunderstanding? Is ignorance true bliss? Would the tears go away if I was honestly alone?
Because I can't keep going right now. I know what I need and I can't get it. I know that I need the help of those four or five people who have been there from the start. I know I won't make it without them. I need a support system to pull through this summer. I know that. Yet I'm tired - tired of starting over or starting new with people. I'm tired of the searching to find someone just so that I can use them to lean on.
The worst part of it all is that Bubbles is coming here for a visit on her way from the East Coast up to see her mother this week. She'll be here for two days or so. "Here Red, have a taste of what you know is exactly you need. Then I'm going to take it away from you. Just because it hurts."
Yes, I am so excited to see her again. She's been one of my best friends for about six years now even though we haven't seen much of each other after she left for grad school. It's just that I know I won't want her to leave. That's the selfish, needy person inside me.
My dreams have been awful as of late. One the other night was of me moving back into a dormitory - the same one that I lived in my first term in school. Only this time instead of three people in a two person room, there were four. And I wound up trying to escape and running to a friend of mine's room who apparently had a single and wound up staying there. The wierd part, is that he and I aren't very close and he's always seemed a bit pompus to me - yet I ran to him. Another was similar, but instead of me running, J came and rescued me. I've also dreamed of "reliving" certain times of my life from the past four years. The good times and the REALLY good times.
I blame this house for the dreams. I've always had nightmares here, but never anywhere else. I'm actually surprised that I am able to sleep here, though I am certain it is due to the time I was able to be here with numnum, Bubbles, J, and some of the good housemates over holiday times. Heck, half the dreams have been about the times they are here.
I wonder what I'd be dreaming about if they never were in my life. If we had never become so close, if I had never let my guard down around them.
I need a support system, and I need it now. Because I need someone to catch me as I fall.
* * * *
Don't forget about the Random Guestbook Signing Week! Go out and meet new people through guestbooks. Or something. . .
currently reading: Lyon's Pride - Anne McCaffrey
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