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Girlfriends
05 June 2003 @ 12:54 a.m.
Why on earth am I scared when two of my closest girlfriends are coming tomorrow? What is it about how I am feeling at this exact moment that causes the anxiety? Why am I not able to sleep? They will be here tomorrow evening (or I guess since it�s after midnight, later today). I haven�t seen them in years. I love these girls. I do, but I don�t know if I can handle two days with them.
I�ve missed Bubbles terribly. There�s something about not seeing your long-term best girlfriend for long periods of time. We talk on the phone about once every other week when our schedules permit us to, but have remained as close as possible. She�ll be here, in this house, tomorrow. She doesn�t quite understand why I quit or left everything that I did � only the leaving of my house. I haven�t even really told her what happened between J and I, though I don�t know why. Then Kerby will be here too. She�s the fourth of my pledge class. I haven�t seen her in so long; in fact I don�t think I�ve seen her since her last suicide attempt. She�s the one that I am least close to of my pledge Brothers and I know this is because of her disease. She has a fairly severe version of bi-polar disorder but refuses to be institutionalized. Bubbles and I tried to get her into a state hospital about two years ago to try to get her stable, but she wouldn�t go. Insisted that her therapist and medication would take care of it. But it hasn�t. I�ve worried about her for so long, but it�s become tiresome. I have a hard time being around her or even talking on the phone because the voice just isn�t her. Hearing how her family has shuffled her around the country just breaks my heart. I can�t do anything, neither can Bubbles or Mouse. We just sit by and listen.
They will be here in less than twenty hours. I have no idea what I will do to entertain them or do with them or anything. I can�t decide if it�s appropriate to just break down in front of them or put on the Happy-Go-Lucky-Red mask. The visit will be fantastic, but it will be a tease. Life is snickering in the background with, �Red! See! Look! There are people who you love to be with and hang out with and who love you, but guess what? They are leaving! Ha! Again! Woo! You only get them for less than twenty-four hours! How �bout them apples?!�
So it comes back to the original question for the week - I wonder how I would feel right now if I never knew the kind of love these girls have shown me? What would my life be like if I could get my walls back up and solid? Could I ever reform those walls with the rubble left behind from those like J or numnum?
I don't know. And it's keeping me awake at night.
currently reading: Lyon's Pride - Anne McCaffrey
currently listening: the rock radio station . . Mmmm Jane's Addiction
