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Night with the Ladies
06 June 2003 @ 12:43 a.m.
The girls are here. Asleep in the house, tired out from a long drive and a fun-filled night. Here. I can hear them breathing in the next room. It's so surreal to see and hear and touch those you have missed the most. Those you haven't seen in years, those you worry about, those you truly and honestly love, those who will listen to you ramble in a state of rum-induced drunkeness.
Yet inside I'm tired and lonely. They are here for but a moment, a blink in the timeline of my life. One is consumed and semiburned out by her drive for education. The other dealing with changing environments and medications. Then there's me, the one who changed many aspects of her external life. What a site we must be.
We went out to a local bar for pub food and drinks. Kerby actually had a beer - I haven't seen her drink since the first suicide attempt I witnessed almost four years ago. It was one beer while Bubbles and I drank several mixed drinks, but still, it was an odd scene.
Catching up with 3/4 of my pledge class was nuts. We wound up at the park playing on the swings and monkey bars around midnight, our feet wet from the dewy grass. Talking about where we are in our lives - how Bubbles is happy that she's single as she completes her research, how Kerby is finally starting to settle into her new life that was forced on her out in California, how I loved the job that I left to try to re-establish who I am. How each of us misses the others, but does their best to just keep going.
If only Mouse could have come down for the night too. Then tonight would have been perfect.
Now that Kerby is practicing Aikido (I have no idea if I spelled that correctly) and Mouse has lost all her weight from spending too much time in the engineering labs, I am officially the largest of the four of us. Bubbles has always been thin and muscular. But it's crazy because I noticed it. I NEVER pay close attention to weight, especially my own in comparison to others. Makes me wonder if it's time for me to honestly think about how I see myself and at what "dress size". Yes I am curvy. Yes I am heavier than I ever have been. Yes I wish that I still fit into a few of my dresses and slacks. I am hoping that the daily trip to the gym will help with this - especially since I'm beginning to compare myself physically to those I am closest to.
They are leaving early in the morning, so our visit is short. I get to say goodbye to them, fix up the final slideshow for the elementary school kids I've been working with, then wait patiently until after 3:30 p.m. to call the Lodge back about the job.
What a stressful day I have to look forward to. That is, now that I've begun to believe in stress. But until then, I'm going to read my book until I drift off into dream world. I pray that tonight will bring me happy, fluffy smile-all-the-time dreams.
currently reading: Lyon's Pride - Anne McCaffrey
currently listening: -
