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Vanilla Life
22 July 2003 @ 11:48 p.m.
Rushed. Today I felt rushed. An easy enough statement yet doesn�t quite hold the intensity of the feeling. No matter how quick I was, no matter how fast tasks were completed, I never felt as though I was catching up. People, tasks, and hours flew by without a sense of accomplishment.
Here it is almost midnight and I cannot tell you if I noticed the wild flowers on the drive into work. I always notice how beautiful they are in their violets, yellows, creams, and pinks lining the old farm roads I drive 3-4 mornings a week. I cannot tell you much about the customers I saw today or what I might have caught on television. Everything is one quick blur of an incessant need for speed.
When did I become so impatient? So inconsiderate? Then it hit me � the way all revelations hit me, like a ton of bricks. (Why does my subconscious go to such extremes? I read of others having epiphanies where things just �dawn� on them. Sounds so less stark.) It isn�t me that is moving so hastily � but the culture around here. Things are faster here, less personal. More than just the expectation to be prompt, people expect you to bend over backwards for them whenever they beckon. And it is only one way � or so it seems.
I had become so accustomed to a slower-pace of life. A culture where it is expected of you to notice the clouds or the blossoming flowers in your neighbors� garden. Even with a busier schedule, it was possible to not feel pushed and pulled in every direction. There is a feeling of true belonging and accomplishment when tasks and duties are completed in a slower-paced life. You can truly be proud of what you do and who you associate with when you realize the time and personal effort you put into it all.
Many of my dreams are of a simple life. Dreams of homes are crisp and uncluttered. Relationships are equal and pure in the dayfantasies. The music I enjoy most is intelligent yet unadorned. Even the scent I associate myself with, vanilla, is the symbol of simplicity.
So why the feeling of rushed? Am I falling into the environment around me? Or am I so aware since I desire to get away so desperately?
currently reading: Arrow�s Flight � Mercedes Lackey
currently listening: Midnight Jazz on Public Radio
