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Overwhelming Days
22 August 2003 @ 1:14 p.m.
Events of the last 48 hours overwhelm me. My world seemed to be falling into place exactly the way I planned until the powers that be took their giant salad tongs and tossed things about.
Maybe if my internet connection was a bit more stable, then things would settle a bit. The overlaying frustration of a half-ass cable modem tops everything else.
The apartment is finally coming together. I have everything put away besides the wall hangings. The little things were even falling into place wonderfully. So many guests coming and going since I moved in � first the Parentals, then a few Scout friends � prevented me from getting things together. That alone was frustrating enough for someone as meticulous and eager as I am.
But the events involving Chewba fill the majority of my thoughts. Thinking back over our entire history together all leading up to the other night, going over the timing and conversations of the past four years. We met through my ex-bitch of a best friend when I returned to school after my surgery. J and I were not exactly together at the time and well, there was what appeared to be an instant attraction between Chewba and I. He was shy, but totally sweet. We wound up going out a few times including being part of a group for the local winter ball, though did not go together. He never made an overt move or stated his feelings so when J and I went on a trip with friends, we worked things out and I left Chewba high and dry. It seemed like theat right thing to do at the time � especially when Chewba and I remained friends and grew closer over the years. This past spring he let me know thhis feelings never really changed, but never said exactly what they were plus this was over three years later.
Then the other night happened and it felt like yet another part of my life was falling into place. It was so easy to fall asleep in his arms � almost too easy. Yesterday I realized that the only other person I had felt that comfortable with was J. Only at the beginning with J, I was filled with thoughts that he would be trouble later on � a feeling I have never had with Chewba. Last night I dropped by and we wound up back here at my apartment watching Michael Moore films. Too awkward and too comfortable all at the same time.
All this after he had confided in me about some girl he works with who has been showing incredible interest in him � so now what? I�m scared that I will hurt one of my closest guy friends if we continue with this. I�m scared because J is still lurking in my heart and Chewba knows. Though I cannot deny that I care, and have cared, for Chewba for an incredibly long time.
currently reading: -
currently listening: All My Children on tv
