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Ruining the Comfort
08 September 2003 @ 11:02 p.m.
I had no desire to get out of bed this morning. Unfortunately, the feeling lasted the entire day � laziness and utter lack of motivation. The laziness was really just hiding the wash of emotions building inside me. I�m crashing hard; hard like I do when everything in my life is going poorly. Yet I�m the happiest I have been in an incredibly long time.
The afternoon was spent curled up in the papasan chair crying to the television. I couldn�t even tell you what I was watching through the tears. I�m scared beyond belief that I can�t beat this anymore. I blame my erratic sleep pattern as of late. I blame my poor eating habits. I blame the full moon. I blame the construction noise outside my bedroom window. All factors that I have taken such strict control of (ok, maybe not the moon) over the past few years.
But now comes the issue of letting Chewba all the way inside my walls. He noticed immediately that I was a bit off when we met up this evening, even said the right things. What happens if we spend the night together and I wake up in a crying fit? What happens if he sees the wreckage after I throw things about in an anxiety attack?
I�m scared that I will hurt him. I�m scared of the feelings I�ve begun to have. I�m scared that maybe my attacks won�t scare him off and this really is as comfortable and perfect as the relationship of my dreams.
Last night I almost told him that I love him. It took over a year before J and I admitted that to each other and he was the only I ever truly loved. With Chewba it is completely different though � it�s easy, smooth, and truly comfortable. So comfortable that I don�t want to ruin it with my attacks and crashes. Especially if they are going to come in the good times�
Maybe this is my warning sign that it�s about to get out of control again. That I will never be able to control everything in my life. Or maybe I just need to get back on a sleeping schedule, no matter what it does to my relationship.
currently reading: -
currently listening: Aaron Copeland � Quiet City (Symphony #3)
