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Love
21 September 2003 @ 9:01 a.m.
He looks me right in the eye as he says, �Red, I love you. And not in a lustful fleeting way but the mature responsible committed love. It�s been four years in coming and it�s real. I love you.�
Friday night was Girls� Night Out. One of the other girls from the theatre and I have been complaining to each other that we have no female friends up here besides each other anymore, so we gathered up two others and planned out the perfect evening for the four of us at a local pub. Two pizzas and multiple mixed drinks into it we�re laughing and being loud and just being the females we are. One is recently engaged so the rings talk happened. The girl from work and I are both in fairly new but perfect relationships after both going through rocky break-ups in the past. The fourth is single, but has a boy waiting for her back down south when she graduates. It was a perfect evening with females I didn�t know more than casually, though we�ve decided that it needs to be a regular occurance now.
Late that night as we departed from the third bar, I decided to stop by Chewba�s to say goodnight before heading home. He had gone out with some of his friends from classes earlier that day. He was asleep when I got there, but I woke him up as I checked to see if he was home. Stayed up well past 5:00 a.m. just talking and holding one another � discussing our respective nights out, plans for the weekend, plans for the wedding he�s standing in later this year. It was the most comfortable I have felt in ages, and expressed as much. That�s when he started in on how I make him feel content with himself, calm, comfortable, and stable. And then he told me that he loved me. And I cried as I whispered it back.
I honestly wasn�t expecting this. I wasn�t expecting to literally see and feel the shattered pieces of my heart come flying back to me and meld back together. The feeling was so intense I could do nothing but cry.
My entire belief system came crashing in on me with this ten minute period of conversation and hugs. I realized that I based an incredible amount of my life on J and the shroud of love I placed over him. Don't get me wrong, we cared for each other deeply, but I convinced myself that he loved me beyond a doubt. This isn't a new concept for me, creating emotions and situations in my mind, but it is shocking when it all comes crashing down at once.
What really is real to me now? Are the majority of my memories fictional? Did I honestly subconciously plan my life and dreams around J? I know that I was in love with the idea of him, but can I fall out of love that quickly? Was I truly in love with him? If I loved him, or if I still love him, what to I characterize my feelings for Chewba as? They are completely different, much stronger, and appear to be more truth and reality but how can I tell for certain?
I am so utterly happy yet confused. I fear that I am throwing a fantasy over Chewba as well and I don't want to. Now that I am aware of this, I hope I can control it.
But over it all, I know that he cares for me. And that I make him happy. Last night proved that I can take him from crabby and stressed to peaceful in a matter of minutes.
I am happy. I'm actually spectacular, just overburdened with fear that I will hurt him with my fantasies.
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