Dream With Me

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Negativity
07 October 2003 @ 9:35 p.m.

I am feeling incredibly negative tonight. Nothing looks good. Nothing tastes good. Nothing interests me. Everything appears rotten. I am rotten.

I hate that I am still sick after 8 days.

I hate that I wake myself coughing and am sure that I woke Chewba last night with it as well.

I hate the fact that I can't stop eating tonight.

I hate the fact that no matter what I do or what I eat I still am the same size.

I hate the fact that J is still in my mind.

I hate how a simple dream can steal all willpower for days at a time.

I hate that I continue to compare J and Chewba even though I honestly know I am happier where I am now.

I hate that I am unable to leave the apartment for fear that someone will see right through me.

I hate that I wanted Chewba to just leave this morning so I could cry aloud without shame.

I hate how I can't bring myself to attend courses at least one day a week to gather the willpower to make it through the other days.

I hate how simple tasks take all of my strength to complete, if I finish them at all.

I hate that my back and legs are sore constantly.

I hate that I never want to answer the phone anymore.

And when I do I lie to the person on the other end telling them that today was wonderful.

I hate my panic attacks.

I hate not having the perfect schedule and structure that I crave.

I hate not having the strength to control my mind anymore.

I hate today.

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