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Negativity
11 October 2003 @ 11:49 p.m.
I am driving myself crazy. These should be some of the happiest, easiest days for me, yet I overwork, overworry, and overanalyze everything.
The events of the past 36 hours led me to do something I've never done before - I ditched out on work tonight without calling in. I've been working since I was 15 and never just missed a shift. Until tonight.
I find that I don't have time for fun anymore, time for me anymore. I am a healthy young woman in her final year as an undergraduate who never really does anything for herself. Here I thought that by getting my own place and cutting back on work hours things would change. Even have the new boyfriend to boot.
Nothing has changed. In fact, I feel more overworked than ever.
This weekend is my final "Homecoming" weekend. I was not able to party last night. I was not able to participate in, or even watch the parade. I was not able to attend any parties tonight nor the big rave sponsored by an organization I help out with. I worked. In the process of said work, I broke a part of my car. Not my idea of a good time by any definition. In fact, I hate it.
I've worried and stressed about this among other things so much these past few days that I gave myself a migraine. The mega meds for the migraines put me to sleep and well, I slept through work.
And I do not feel guilty about it. In fact, as of right now I plan on going in on Monday and telling them not to put me on the schedule for November or the rest of the semester. I do not need the hassle anymore.
Watch me repeat my senior year of high school as I slowly pull out from all obligations and become a hermit.
I have been trying to focus on two positives all night, attempting to pull myself from the anxious slump. The first is that I have Chewba now and all he wants is to make me comfortable and peaceful. The second is today is the third anniversary of my surgery. I have been able to walk and jump and swim for three years now.
I wish I could focus on the positive - I'm in the process of dehydrating myself through the eyes. Not really the best way to spend a Saturday night...
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