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The End; A Beginning
23 October 2003 @ 12:55 p.m.
Due to computer issues, I have been unable to update for almost a week. This sucks � I have no other way to express how hard it is to go from journaling everyday for years to just stopping cold turkey. With that, here I am in my office when I should be doing something more productive gearing up to record the events of these past few days.
She came back this past weekend. That's right � the one I have referred to as the ex-bitch, ex-best friend, bitch, SHE, etc. Came back to visit family and friends in the area. I heard it through the rumor mill (namely Imp) but realized that we most likely would not run into each other due to time and locations. I was relieved. Until the large Toga Party on Saturday and she showed her face.
The party started off perfectly. I looked fantabulous in my mint green toga, hair swept up in copper waves held with a fake ivy crown, just glowing with happiness (and a bit from the beer). I was having a good time for once � relaxed and joyful. Then a pledge came to me saying a girl at the door was asking for me. And I heard her voice screaming for me. That high pitched whiny voice at the door attached to her. She grabs me, hugs me, begins to cry. The Bitch. She apologizes for the past years as she cries, claims she was hoping to keep it together until she saw me. Said she missed me and our friendship. Bitch. Tells me how good Chewba looks now. Bitch. I'm cordial, hug her back, take her out to the dance floor and we dance. We talk, she apologizes more, asks for forgiveness and I give it to her to ease her mind. She cries, I'm burning inside.
The Bitch began to tell me things I didn't want to hear. Things about J and his life now, his relationships, his friends, his job. Him. I told her to stop, I didn't want to hear it. I was finally getting past everything I was dealing with about the changes without him in my life. I was finally becoming ok to be me. She tells me about his new girl, their break-up, them getting back together. Why did they get back together, J and this girl who reminds the bitch of me so much? Because she had told him Chewba and I were together now and happy. Day after that, he begged the new girl to come back. The Bitch. How dare she tell me such things.
Chewba found me shortly after asking what we discussed, he called himself a masachist for asking as he knew it involved her, myself, and J � all of which are painful for both him and I. And I told him the majority of it. Though I never did tell him exactly why I became so upset I went home alone. I hadn't thought about J until she showed up. I hadn't thought that he and I lost our virginity together after a toga party so many years ago. I wouldn't tell Chewba that these thoughts were the icing on the cake.
I drove myself home alone late that night in tears � letting out every emotion and memory of the good times between the bitch and myself, the good times with J, and their counterparts of evil. I cried hard and long in the cold dark night in my ratty old Fraternity sweatshirt. I purged myself of the hatred, the longing for those days again, everything. The next morning, Chewba woke me with a phone call. His voice was the first thing I heard, which was perfect.
So now I sit, thinking about how while my outlook on life and relationships had to evolve, I can handle it. I have opened another door to myself for Chewba. He's noticed it these past few days, and I can tell the difference as well � we seem closer without words. The weekend was difficult. T helped me through it a bit, but I did this on my own. I am truly just me now. Just Red � not the Red who was still semi-attached to a love she created. Just me.
Just me who is independent enough to truly be in love with someone new, but who has always been there.
currently reading: Taking the Red Pill: Science, Philosophy and Religion in The Matrix
currently listening: the radio in the office
