* Now
* Archives
* Disclaimer
* Bio
* Cast
* AIM
*
Guestbook
* E-mail
* Notes
* Survey
* Profile
* Reviews
* Quizzes
* Rings
* Reads
* Fanclub
* Clix Me!
All Content and Code �2000-2006 by Red
Hosted by DiaryLand.
Fat
30 October 2003 @ 5:34 p.m.
I am stressing out. Flipping out. Losing my mind. Flightly. Gone. Nervous. Anxious. Freaking.
Why?
This costume party I will be attending on Friday. It is causing more stress and inner pain than I have felt in ages. A themed costume party with Chewba and his closest friends - I am invited. I will be attending. I have no costume.
Why?
Because I am too fat. Period. I have seen pictures of his friends. I have seen their costume parties. They are all smaller than me. The theme of the party screams skinny girl. Futuristic Techno Punk where the clothes are dark and tight and the makeup extreme. I haven't had such a negative self image in years. I am too fat for this. I own nothing for this.
Even the one idea I thought I could pull off I cannot due to where I live and money constraints. Besides, I know that you need more of a waist to fit into a corset properly. Something I haven't had in ages. I hate this. I hate my body and I hate how nervous I am about this. I feel that I must look perfect for these people. A perfection I haven't been able to pull off since the surgery. I am fat.
The worst part is that I am fat in all the wrong places to fit into clothes. I have no waist. And I hate it.
I have pulled every item of clothing I own out of the closet, drawers, and boxes and thrown them around my bedroom. Everything. I went shopping around town to see if I could find something, anything, that would help me. Nothing.
I have nothing but anger for myself right now. I obviously have no true willpower to lose the weight that I despise. Nothing of my body is of a decent shape or size, everything is flabby and grotesque. I've been sick of it for ages, but felt comfortable.
Today I do not feel comfortable. I feel fat. Obese. Enormous. Fat.
I have no time to deal with this. None. Exam in an hour that I haven't prepared for as I've been preoccupied with the size of my hips. Leaving in the morning for a trip that makes me feel inadequate. I feel disgusting as I look at my round, tearstained face in the mirror.
Disgusting.
currently reading: Taking the Red Pill: Science, Philosophy and Religion in The Matrix
currently listening: -
