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Fear
06 November 2003 @ 10:41 a.m.
I am afraid of loving Chewba.
This is what came out of the Girls' Night of last night. Wine, pizza, cheesecake, romantic comedies and two other females I find myself growing closer to each month. None of us are single, all in happy healthy relationships. Discussions revolved around weddings (one is getting married in less than a year), "honey-do" lists, meet the parents time, sex, etc.
I am afraid to let myself go and truly love. I was similarly afraid with J, but those fears were actually grounded in reason. This is more an automatic response. I have kept walls around me for so long for so many reasons that it is hard to let someone in - even if they already know most of my sordid past. Chewba was there through everything with J. He's the one who carried my sorry drunk ass home when I binge drank when we first broke up. Chewba is the one who called me after the fight with J this past spring. Chewba is the one who lay in the stairwell with me after my first major fight with J. Chewba was there. He's always been the friend that was there to lean on. Now he's opened himself to me and I am doing my best to open up the rest of the way to him.
Last night I asked him to stay home so I could study here alone. It was time for me to rekindle my relationship with myself. A big part of me feels as though things are moving at light speed and I'm just being dragged along. I continue to only see the almost three months of dating instead of four years of close friendship followed by almost three months of dating. The independent woman inside me screams with the attachment forming between Chewba and I. The feelings I am experiencing of settling down, taking care of him, and even combining finances to ease both our situations downright frighten me. I would rather go back through my third year of engineering school than deal with my nesting tendencies.
Fear surrounds all emotions for me. I want to blame the years of medicated void for the fear. I want to be satisfied with where I was before the wave of want, need, love, and forever washed over me a few months ago. That�s right, I said forever. But I�m still just afraid and I don�t know how not to be.
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