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Rain
18 November 2003 @ 10:15 a.m.
I awoke alone to the screeching sound of the alarm clock. All I wanted was to hit snooze and roll over for my morning hug. But he isn�t here this morning. The gray rain pours down outside the windows bringing no sunlight or happiness to me. I really need a hug right now.
Fatigue overwhelms me � not just the physical tired either. I am mentally exhausted. Again. I found myself driving around in the rain late last night just crying into the darkness. No matter what I do, who I�m with, or where I am this fatigue follows. If only I was able to crawl up inside the walls and disappear for a week � just to allow myself to relax.
Is it even possible anymore to truly relax? To truly keep that peaceful mindset with you for more than a fleeting moment? Is it possible to allow yourself to be content with the world around?
There are the moments of perfection scattered throughout these past few months; none longer than a photograph. The other night with Chewba, and the feeling of home associated with every activity. Dancing slowly at Imp & Wiseman�s wedding. Picnicking near the waterfalls on that beautiful fall afternoon. Unpacking the boxes during the big move. Most involve Chewba, as he continuously is the light in my life and the support to keep me going.
These glimpses of happiness are not enough. Anxiety consumes me to the point I cannot bring myself to dress or leave my home. I�ve begun to fear the unknown in all areas. I find myself not eating. When he isn�t here, I sleep in excess. I know the signs. They�ve been around for too long for me not to know what they point to.
But the fear consumes me to the point where I fear help. Instead I sit here listening to the rain in the dark. Hopefully I will be able to muster up the motivation to attend class today, though right now things don�t look good. I have just over five months left of this student gig and I cannot find the oomph to prevent myself from failing. I still want my morning hug.
currently reading: -
currently listening: the rain outside the window
