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Sleep
09 December 2003 @ 6:44 a.m.
Sleep is the ultimate. When I am asleep, my dreams keep my ever-tormented brain at peace. I feel no pain � only warmth. I yearn for sleep at all times. As a friend of mine says, �Sleep. It�s where I�m a Viking!�
My sleep schedule is messed. It is now 6:41 a.m. and I am wide-awake. Have been since about 6:15 p.m. yesterday. Woke up yesterday at 8:00 a.m. only to fall back asleep around 1:00 p.m. Yes, I laid down hours ago but wound up just sobbing into my clean pillowcases.
Thoughts race through my cloudy head. Thoughts of school, of life, of my past, of love, of who the hell I am anymore. Thoughts that I cannot seem to control. Thoughts of how nothing has changed in the past eight years, just new experiences but I deal with everything similarly. Zero personal growth in eight years. This is how I see myself right now.
This is ridiculous, right? I mean, how can someone live a productive life for eight years and not grow at all? It�s absurd, I know, but I find that I do still deal with life in similar manners to when I was in high school. I used to sleep my �free time� away to avoid thinking. I withdrew completely my senior year to avoid the world. I see that same person now when I stare into the mirror.
Thing is, I used to pray for certain things, and I�ve received just about everything I ever asked for, yet I still feel this empty. I still yearn for that peaceful sleep. I look back a year and see that I was just as lonely then, but I had an excuse then, right? Now I have Chewba, but even with his immense stature and heart I have this void. A void that was present when I was 14, 18, 20, and still now. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my days?
I think I�d rather sleep.
currently reading: Wish You Well � David Baldacci
currently listening: Fiona Apple � Shadowboxer
