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Depression & Anxiety Cocktail
24 December 2003 @ 12:10 a.m.
I found myself surfing the web tonight for anxiety/panic disorders. Several self-tests and articles later, things are beginning to become more apparent to me. I�ve known for years that I am clinically depressed. It isn�t situational, it isn�t seasonal, it is full blown depression and the kind that should be medicated. But these past three years, the depression has been paired with these overwhelming panic attacks. After this semester, I don�t know if I can honestly handle any more stress � including family affairs, courses, even the looming job hunt. So tonight after another totally random crying session, I logged on to search.
Sitting here at the computer in my parents� house reading articles on the prevalence on anxiety disorders in women makes me wonder if I can get through this alone anymore. I know that I must graduate and leave that portion of my life behind me. I know that I cannot handle being an undergraduate student any longer. But can I start therapy now? I hate medications, so can I do this alone? Do I have time to take care of whatever this is before it�s time to up and move?
I now honestly believe that my depression is coupled with a panic disorder. The two create this horrible cocktail that leave me emotionally paralyzed a good portion of the time. I cancel social engagements, call into work sick, and skip class as I try to catch my breath after a huge crying spell. Finally allowing myself to believe this may be the first step, but I�m scared to death.
I also weighed myself today for the first time in months. My suspicions are true � even with the changes in eating habits and such, I have gained 20 pounds since August. I am now the heaviest I have ever been at 210 lbs. Bad stress for me means I gain weight � no matter what I eat. Just another reason I�m scared to death. I need to get rid of this excess weight, but it won�t come off until the anxiety/stress/depression/whatever goes away.
So now where do I stand? The only thing I have going for me right now is Chewba. This is only one good thing, but it�s huge. But can he be everything that I need to overcome these obstacles? Will the next six months reverse the previous? Is it possible for me to pass my final semester, find a job, and find a way to deal with the mental disorder cocktail?
currently reading: The Golden Nineties � Lisa Mason
currently listening: A Perfect Circle mix of both albums
