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Left Alone
19 January 2004 @ 5:36 p.m.
There are certain points in my life where I wish I were able to shoot myself in the head. Not to kill myself, that wouldn�t be appropriate, but rather to quiet my thoughts and smack some sense into me. For example, this past weekend. I decided to put myself through excruciating psychological torture for whatever subconscious reason and I found no way to stop it.
The excessive worry returned in full throttle. At least it was specific this time, though I must admit losing three days of productivity no matter how focused sucks monkey butt. What was I worried about? Being dumped.
Now, is there any chance of me being dumped in the near future? Are there any signs that this relationship is stagnating? What about hatred or mistrust forming? Of course not. But here we are approaching six months � a point that I always seem to fuck something up in the relationships I like to keep. Things like me being too independent or not enough fun or too sick get in the way of what the significant other wants. But there are no signs of any of this with Chewba. He�s still too perfect for words. Our relationship is so healthy that it frightens me. But I still threw myself into worry about him dumping me that was reinforced by him not being around this weekend.
The kid had plans with his buddies and sports events and other things already scheduled. I knew about them. I have never cared in the past, but there I was curled up on my bathroom floor convinced that he was avoiding me.
Also started thinking about J in the midst of the hysteria. About how I still seem to put myself down for not working hard enough at our friendship. That it was my fault he won�t call me. Etc etc etc blah blah blah. It�s absurd! He�s the one that lied to me. I�m the one who cut things off. The friendship wasn�t meant to be. But I still am so hard on myself about it. That failed friendship got me pondering all other failed friendships and how everyone leaves me hanging at some point, yadda yadda yadda.
I didn�t leave the apartment for three days. I didn�t sleep, I hardly ate, and did little to nothing productive. Late last night in an act of desperation I begged Chewba to come stay with me for the night. If someone else was in the room, I wouldn�t freak out. I wouldn�t scream or cry or thrash about. He came over and I slept. Hell, he wasn�t even sleeping next to me before I felt content and comfortable and relaxed enough to sleep.
So does this mean that he is the solution to my freaking out? Am I becoming so dependant on others that without them around I fall into hysterics? What happens, then, if we did break up and I truly was left alone? What if my worry really isn�t all that unfounded? Who do I turn to then?
currently reading: Quicksilver � Neal Stephenson
currently listening: -
