* Now
* Archives
* Disclaimer
* Bio
* Cast
* AIM
*
Guestbook
* E-mail
* Notes
* Survey
* Profile
* Reviews
* Quizzes
* Rings
* Reads
* Fanclub
* Clix Me!
All Content and Code �2000-2006 by Red
Hosted by DiaryLand.
Individual Function
25 January 2004 @ 11:36 p.m.
I�ve decided that tonight I face the cold alone. Meaning I plan to sleep alone for the first time in ages. The fear of becoming completely dependant needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. I must prove to myself I am still able to function as an individual.
Function. Function in a productive way to complete tasks assigned to me during appropriate times. I find myself doing little besides housework and video games during my �free� time. I don�t socialize much. I don�t work on my studies. This is the same slump I find myself in every mid-winter. I�ll get all happy and high again around mid-March, then by late April I will freak out like crazy. The ups and downs of the seasons as seen through Red. *sigh*
Chewba is attempting to convince me to come over tonight, but my foot is down. I wish that I could explain my fear of dependency better to him. He sees things that he is able to bring relief to my neuroses. I see it as my mental status dependant on his physical presence.
I also don�t dream as much with him around. I miss the dreams � waking up to fresh snow on my windowsill after dreaming of the perfect house or walking on a beach.
To think, a year ago I dreaded to sleep alone. Now I want one night to myself. In fact, I could use more than one night to myself. There are so many feelings that I don�t understand swarming in my head about Chewba and I. So many new possibilities, emotions, routines, and futures between us. We�ve spent several evenings with Imp and Wiseman this week allowing us to witness their marital bliss. My first reaction to it all is that I yearn for what they have. . . but I think I already have it.
It�s frightening to think you may have found it all and it all came so simply. Yet I still yearn to spend time alone and get out of the mid-winter blues on my own. Is it to make this challenging? Am I on the verge of ruining a seemingly perfect relationship? Or am I just too damn scared to allow myself to actually be loved?
currently reading: Quicksilver � Neal Stephenson
currently listening: Ani DiFranco mix CD
