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The Void
07 February 2004 @ 3:37 a.m.
It�s 3:37 a.m. as I look into the mirror at my own puffy eyes, stringy hair, and reddened face. My pillow lies alone in the other room, soaked with my tears. Carnival activities are dieing down for the night in other parts of town. Here it is quiet save the bubbling of the fishtank and my silent sobbing.
There is a huge hole inside me yearning to be filled. I almost wish this was just loneliness � that I am able to define. This feeling that consumes me is immeasurable and unable to be properly categorized. It�s fear. It�s emptiness. It�s anxiety. It�s hate. It�s love. It�s lack of control. It�s the end. It�s the beginning. It is the real me trying to escape into the void.
In 8th grade I wrote a poem about a very similar feeling � called Delve Into the Nothingness, or something terribly similar. It was my vain attempt at describing this emptiness that lived inside of me, that haunted me. That was over ten years ago, but that same void is still there.
I assumed that once I found true friendship or true love, or even possibly both, that hole would be filled and I would be complete. Unfortunately, I�m one of those people who is truly inept at finding loyal people. I look back throughout my past and see people I let in turn on me and rip me to shreds. I look back on those I called friends and realize I haven�t spoken to most of them in well over a month, though most are closer to a year or more.
The plan for this year, this final year of university, involved me being me. Me doing what I wanted to; me doing what I needed to. I left my job. I left my house for the fabulous apartment. It was time for me to make the transition out of university into true American adulthood. Then J broke off the friendship. Lost touch with Canada and Wilbur. Numnum moved away and is similar to me in how he handles friendships. But these just made me more determined to take full control of my own life. It was supposed to finally be only about me. Take care of the red girl for a while.
The relationship with Chewba started and seemed to fill that void. I love him. I know totally understand what it�s like to love someone for all their qualities � not just selecting a few. But with the love came loss of total control and dependency. We basically have community property now and I don�t know how to handle it. I�m not ready yet, but I doubt I ever will be.
But then I realize that it won�t be long before he tosses out the same way everyone else has. We�ll wind up living in separate areas of the nation and he�ll forget about me. They always do. I�m Red, the disposable friend and lover.
Here it is Carnival week and I�ve spent most of it sitting alone, sobbing. Panic attacks have kept me from social obligations. The catalyst for it all was when no one called me regarding my absence. No one noticed I wasn�t where I was supposed to be. No one noticed when I wasn�t working when I said I would. But when I did show up to things, they all assume that I don�t need help with anything. Those I�ve come to consider fairly decent acquaintances, if not friends, don�t notice. I shouldn�t be surprised of this, though, as this is how things have run my entire life.
So now I sit here contemplating this void that is still present. Even though I�ve finally found love, I still feel empty.
I�m starting to think the loneliness of the past was easier to handle. At least then I could hope that falling in love and having someone to care for me would be the solution to it all. Now I know it isn�t, in fact it�s only made it worse.
This is my last Carnival. I thought at least the final one would bring me some joy. I should have learned by now never to have expectations.
currently reading: -
currently listening: Ani Difranco � Little Plastic Castle
