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Niche
15 February 2004 @ 11:38 p.m.
Two hours have passed. I sat down to watch television � one of the final episodes of Sex in the City. Next thing I know my face is puffy, shirt is soggy, glasses are spotted, and I have a headache the size of my lazy boy. Two hours have passed, every minute spent crying.
This is not the fault of the show; in fact I don�t think I actually shed a tear during it. This is the fault of my overactive inner monologue. My face looks horrific due to me - my lack of self-confidence, my self-hatred, my worry, my role in society, my wants.
Other girls live similar lives and are happy. They pop their little pills and go on smiling. Most girls I know in similar situations are on the happy pills. I hate the pills. I hate everything they represent and thus I�m in shambles. How else am I able to describe it?
The one thing that has been eating me for ages is what my role is in society. I came screaming out of the gates of high school set to be the empowered single engineering career woman. I had high hopes for my feminist self of political prowess and mathematical skills. But I was closed minded and realized this quickly. I discovered the truth through cultural feminism, determined to allow every want, desire, and career path as equal. Now where do I stand, though?
The independent strong woman who craves the beat of her own drum simmers inside the cushy domestic goddess. One would think they are able to live in harmony � but I can�t seem to make it work. I�m about to enter into a career where my job is to empower younger women. How can I accomplish this when I find it hard to empower myself? The conflict within, between the two selves, is so strong that it causes me to lose hours to tears.
Today I want to enter straight into the world of the homemaker. Set myself up to adopt several children, volunteer for the Red Cross, and run a household. It�s so different from what I started off wanting. It�s so different that people still expect the opinionated driven woman all the time when what they get is a nervous wreck of a social science major just wanting to settle down. Or at least that�s what she thinks this quarter.
Does every twentysomething who spent too much time as an undergraduate in a fairly new relationship who also drastically switched what she feels is her calling in life feel this conflict? Is this role confusion the driving force behind the void I feel inside of me? And I thought that truly falling in love was supposed to cure all confusion and cause everything to just fall into place. Apparently not, it just puts the focus back on what you still don�t have. . . a niche.
currently reading: -
currently listening: Thievery Corporation � The Mirror Conspiracy
