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Four, now Three
17 February 2004 @ 8:09 a.m.
We were four � Ladies Night. We were four, now we are three. Here just after our fifth anniversary of becoming four, we are three.
One of my closest friends, pledge Brothers, and woman in my life succeeded at taking her own yesterday. Kerby is dead.
Last night was a regular Monday night � dinner, then the weekly meeting. Mouse came in to meeting unexpected. She�d come into town from Wisconsin and instead of hugging everyone as she passed, she came straight to me. Stated simply that we needed to talk, gave me a hug then just blurted it out. Kerby committed suicide and succeeded.
Once home, I had several messages on my phone � one from her aunt giving me the grim news and one from Bubbles. Mouse came over to talk things through, got Bubbles on the phone and the three of us spent two hours just talking. We were four, now we are three.
Plans are being made for Bubbles to fly in from Virginia. Mouse coming in from Wisconsin � she and I driving to Kerby�s mothers house Thursday night or Friday morning for the funeral. Other phone calls were made ensuring those who knew her best were informed, though the aunt did the best she could calling everyone in Kerby�s slim address book.
I don�t know what to feel, what to say, what to do. We were convinced the worst of the war was over when she moved to San Francisco. We saw her this summer � she looked so happy, so stable. It was the first time in over five years she looked so good.
My friend Kerby was diagnosed with severe bi-polar disorder in 1999, I met her in 1998. The four of us, Bubbles, Mouse, Kerby and myself, were inseparable from the time we first met. We are Ladies Night. We all worked through the beginnings of Kerby�s treatment with her. We all were there for the first three suicide attempts that occurred in rapid succession back in 1999-2000. In fact it was Mouse that found her a few of the times. We were there supporting her through her writing, her therapy, the drug cocktails � hoping that the combination plus our love would bring her what she needed to live a normal life.
Kerby was never normal � she was that gangly girl who played French Horn and acted in an improv comedy group. She was hyper and silly and one of the most intelligent people I have ever met � both musically and mathematically. She said she found true friendship in our foursome � I believe that we all did.
Then on July 1, 2001, we all received phone calls from her family members telling us that she was found by the paramedics and police half-dead on her apartment floor. She had just finished her first year of graduate school at Purdue University. She had taken an enormous amount of pills and downed it with high-proof alcohol. Kerby never drank for a reason. She was forced to leave school. She was hospitalized for well over a month. She moved back in with her father�s family. She was monitored. She was safe. It was at this time Kerby told us that she actually did die that night and was reborn a healthier person. That when she didn�t die right away she knew it was a sign. She stopped her career in Chemical Engineering, got a job at a fabric store, went into full-time therapy, and journaled more. She even finally got her driver�s license the next year. Bubbles and I were so happy she had gotten back on her feet, that she was getting the help she needed.
In 2003, her step-mother kicked her out. She was a college educated woman in her mid-twenties that was unable to live on her own. I tried to have her admitted to a full-time psychiatric facility (the one my father ran, actually), but Kerby wound up moving to San Francisco with other family. It seemed to be a good move at first � she was in a supportive environment, was getting the therapy she needed, found a job that she was able to keep, and even started taking marshal arts courses.
None of us expected the phone calls yesterday. We all received Christmas cards from the happy Kerby. But now we are speechless. Mouse went to her fianc�s for the night. Bubbles was calling airlines. I stayed here and began calling other friends, including numnum. He and Kerby had this strange relationship where they could just talk about anything forever. His reaction was similar to mine � what do you say? How do you react?
So now here I sit, still in my pajamas the morning after. I have no more tears. I have nothing to say. I still don�t know what to feel. All I know is that we are now three, not four. The photo I keep on my mantle and my candle holder is what I have left of her. The world lost one of its most creative minds and I lost one of my closest friends.
"Kerby" 1978 - 2004
We were four. Now we are three. We love you, dearest Kerby.
currently reading: been looking through old photo albums for about 10 hours straight
currently listening: random Beatles songs as they were her fav band
