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Books: Hopes & Fears
11 March 2004 @ 8:15 a.m.
Finished Jane Green�s �Straight Talking� last night. Very rarely does a book leave me in that state. Very rarely can I identify that well with the main character. Very rarely do I cry for hours once the final page is turned.
The parallels between my life and Tasha�s scare me. Scares me so much that whenever I�d finish a section I would wither be full of smiles or tears �hence why it took a bit long to finish. Movies have had their way of shoving certain aspects of my life in my face, but never to this extent. Books have always been more intimate, such as this one throwing my fears at me page after page.
I was laying in bed curled up under one of the home-made afghans as I read. Soft classical music on the radio, me turning the pages softly. I didn�t take the nap I expected. Instead the tears fell to my pillow as I delved deep into my fears concerning relationships, how scarred J left me, and how at times I still doubt Chewba. I fear relationships starting off fantastic but becoming shallow later. I fear things that have the possibility of being based on sex. I fear myself and my ability to ruin things as soon as they become perfect.
The book focused on the seemingly perfect relationship and what happens when the female becomes consumed by her doubt. It was too much for me to handle. Books found in the �Chick Lit� section are not supposed to wind up being this heavy. These are my light, quick reads or at least that�s what they are supposed to be.
* * *
I heard from Canada yesterday. It was amazing to talk to her again and at such the opportune time. We made a date for a proper phone call late last night, but no one answered when I phoned. I must try again tonight. She made the effort to contact me so I�ll keep trying to get a phone call through to Alberta.
God I miss that blonde.
* * *
Today marks the halfway point of the semester. Or at least I think it does. Close enough. I�m halfway there. I can actually see the end now. The topic for the final research paper is determined. Exam scores have been high. Halfway through. Eight weeks remain. The swimming course I enrolled in ends today. Chewba asked me the other day if I will continue to swim on a regular schedule without the course. And right now I don�t know, I want to but I also want to finish my final paper or thesis or whatever you want to call it within the next six weeks so that I may focus on the other courses right there at the end.
That�s right, in six weeks I will have a huge paper/essay/thesis completed on the past, present, and future of non-governmental organizations influence in world trade policy. I hope and pray for something near 40 pages plus footnotes. I hope and pray it will feel like the culmination of my education. I hope and pray they will still let me graduate in eight weeks.
currently reading: -
currently listening: U2 � Babyface
