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Falling...
07 April 2004 @ 8:34 a.m.
Two days without a post. . . where could that little red girl have gone?
She�s fallen deep into her work, her head, and the sunshine � though not necessarily that order.
Monday was spent in a computer lab. Period. Very little else happened between 9am and 5pm that day. I expect today to go similarly. Productivity was at an all-time high for me. Checked 4 things off the �to do� list that day. . . maybe today too?
Tuesday was different though. Went to both classes (go me!) but then was so tired and so frustrated with a group project that I cam home and wound up playing approximately six hours of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Granted I did do my laundry in the meantime as well as pick up a few things around the place, but still six hours is a long time to spend on a silly video game. Chewba was working, as he does every Tuesday night, so I had no one to stop me. Just me, loud music, too much caffeine and driving fast cars around running over cops.
Even with that loss of time, two loads of laundry are done, errands were run, and I had a long chat on the phone with my replacement for one of the offices in the Fraternity. So I was lazy, but still productive. I scare myself sometimes.
Late last night I started crashing out though. Overtired, seemingly stressed, and with a few bad decisions under my belt for the night, I cried myself to sleep alone. What was the topic of Tuesday�s Tears? My dependency on Chewba. That�s right, I now feel as though I am fully dependant on him being around � so much so that if he isn�t around I find myself not eating (or eating too much), not attending courses or work, not doing much of anything. I also feel as though his monetary contributions, while helpful, are stifling me. Even though I know I could not survive these last two months without him helping out with the grocery and cable bills. The worst part of it all is that he spoils me rotten. He took me out to dinner again on Monday evening. He has some plans for the birthday coming up here. Whenever we part in the morning he always asks if there is anything he can do for me that day (meaning pick up things from the store, drop things off like prescription refills, etc). While this seems all normal and happy for a committed, loving, young couple � I feel almost suffocated by it. Why? Because I fear he will do to me what J did. I got myself so far into that now I�m panicking. Is it logical to think that Chewba will throw me away? No. Have I voiced my fears to him? Yes, and he almost laughed at the thought that he would throw me away considering he has no intention of ever letting me go. Yet I still have nightmares about it � but again, only when he isn�t around.
How on EARTH am I going to survive 12 weeks apart when I�ll be surrounded by a bunch of 18-19 year olds in the northern wilderness for the summer?
See what I mean about falling deep into my head?
currently reading: Just more and more articles on UNCTAD cases�
currently listening: Ani Difranco � Angry Anymore
