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Falling Apart Again
13 April 2004 @ 10:53 a.m.
I actually scheduled time to write this entry into my day. My life has fallen apart so tragically in the past four days that I now do nothing but follow my sheet of paper with what I am supposed to do in what order.
I�m actually ahead of schedule slightly due to my class letting out 45 minutes early. Luckily, I can handle it today. I don�t think I could have yesterday.
I am scared to death that this round of the Spring Slump will be worse than previous years. Last year was worse than the year prior � a trend that seems to continue. I was convinced that now that the loneliness was mostly gone that things would perk up a bit. How much more wrong could I have been?
Yesterday was a major low point. Haven�t hit that hard in a VERY long time. My mind was so overcome with fears, worries, and hatred that nothing else could help. Chewba did his best to try to motivate me, but how can he help if I don�t let him in? He sees everything as just a sheer lack of motivation when in reality its something closer to I�m scared to death of the future and of myself.
All on top of the season that is the hardest for me to get through mentally.
Everything piled up as I was driving to campus this morning and honestly considered crashing my car to place me into a hospital � if only temporarily. The thoughts were focused, true, and planned. I wanted to defer the impending deadlines and pressures by hurting myself. I wanted to escape everything by running to a hospital the fastest way � via ambulance. Tears filled my eyes as I thought this � it was the first time I�d considered hurting myself in such a way in many years. I continued the drive to campus and made it to my course on time but the thoughts still are with me.
So here I sit now, during my scheduled �journal writing time� attempting to clarify with text the thoughts and feelings streaming through my head. I don�t want to hurt myself anymore, but the thoughts frighten me. I see my �To Do� list in front of me � so long and seemingly unattainable. These next twenty four hours hold so much for me, for the end of my academic career, for my relationships, for the Fraternity � and here I sit with things listed out in a perfect little timeline attempting to block the future from my head.
Attempting to block the personal thoughts and fears from my head. Attempting to keep myself under control so that I can free myself of responsibilities. Attempting to prevent falling further.
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