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Catch-Up
19 March 2006 @ 12:17 p.m.
It�s time to play catch up on the past year. TO document things as well as inform those who read this.
One year ago I was finally settling into the life I wanted. Great apartment, the makings of a good job, a doting boyfriend, a fresh start. Chewba also had a decent job and some major prospects. He�d moved to the city to be near me, renting a room in a house nearby. I felt a bit smothered, but overall very happy. Content.
I filled up my life with the dreams of the past. I became insanely busy teaching and living. I started going to concerts again and feeling truly free � watching the city from my window.
The summer was difficult. I started teaching too much and overwhelmed myself. My Father became very ill. My Grandmother became very ill. Several driving trips across the Midwest led to my Father becoming so much stronger, so much healthier and my Grandmother passing to a place where no one fights and no one hurts. I used up a year and a half of vacation time being with my family through a period of super highs and lows. I saw the Parentals more in a period of two months than I had in five years. Again, Chewba with me by my side through the whole thing. He even stood next to me as I witnessed my Grandmother passing.
Summer was beautiful. I only remember the perfect weather, though I�m sure there were poor days. In August, the Parentals came to visit for a week to get away from the drama of home. In September I discovered that while they were in town, Chewba and my Father had a long chat about the future� I discovered because he put a ring on my finger and a promise in my ear. He promised to love me forever, to marry me, and to truly combine everything into one.
Despite my hesitations, we signed a lease for a new apartment in October. I now live with another person. His belongings are next to mine in every room. We have planned a wedding that is less than ten weeks away. I still curl up on the bathroom floor with the door shut and sob silently, but knowing that we are here together.
Other changes include a promotion at work leading to better hours and more money. I�m still pushing too hard and working too much, though now it is entirely my fault as I set my own hours. I find that I have very little time to myself anymore. I dislike this fact very much.
Even though I am about to marry the man I love and I have a fabulous home and job, I am less happy now than I was a year ago. I miss my tiny apartment more than I miss any other friend. With its leaky kitchen sink and ugly wall sconces it was the best possible place for me. Chewba is wonderful but I am having serious doubts about me living long-term with anyone.
It�s as simple as this: I am a control freak. For the past few months, I�ve simply lost control. My hope is to find the inner control once again so I am able to control my environment.
currently listening: random tv (eXtra)
currently reading: cunt by Inga Muscio
